Saying Goodbye and Bigfoot

With the Oregon move just a few days out, the goodbyes have begun.  Saturday night was the last of three going away nights with my crew from DC.  Saying we are a rowdy bunch might be a slight understatement.  I had told myself I would only be allowed a few cocktails due to an early morning of working horses, but before long, I had a huge rip in my pants from showing off my high kicks to a friend, then ended up wrestling a friend to the pavement outside of the bar.  Self-control has never been one of my strengths.

Last night was a wonderful evening spent with all of my siblings, their significant others, nieces, cousins, and mom.  Cocktails are an essential part of this family's gatherings.  The wine was flowing as we stuffed ourselves with mom's amazing gumbo.  Mom decided this was a good time to express her latest (of many) concerns regarding my upcoming move.  "Did you see the news?" mom asked.  She knows me well enough, that unless TMZ is considered news, the answer would be no.  "They have sound proof... (overly dramatic pause)... that Bigfoot is alive and is in Oregon.  You need to be careful."

Apparently, the residents of the Umatilla Indian Reservation have had many sleepless nights, due to loud screams coming from the local swamp.  I listened to the audio, and I was convinced.  After we said our goodbyes, I decided to do some research of my own.  I did all kinds of google searches, and after seeing photos, video, and audio, I am a believer.  

Oh snap, gurl's got some stamina!

I haven't told my future roommate this yet, but I now feel like I have a new calling in life.  I want to discover Bigfoot.  I've always been fascinated by large hairy men, so this just seems to fit.  I found a website dedicated to making Bigfoot traps, and my first line of business in Oregon is going to be just that... to catch myself a boyfriend, I mean a Bigfoot.

Let's get something STRAIGHT

It's come to my attention that I need to get something straight.  Over the past few weeks, I've been receiving many messages, comments, and posts with various Brokeback Mountain clips, photos, and quotes.  Yes, I'm moving to the mountains and plan on getting some land and a few horses with my friend, but David is what we in the biz call straight.  The important thing is that I'm okay with this, and I accept him regardless of his lifestyle choices.  He's here, he's straight, get used to it.  If anything, with me moving out there without a job, this would be Brokeass Mountain.

I feel like this photo will help showcase our differences... despite the fact we are both wearing camouflage and we both have the same body type.

David protecting our country in Iraq/Jake on Safari in the Serengeti

David has become one of my closest friends.  We talk just about everything.  It's kinda nice.  However, when I start talking specific details of my dating life, it makes him incredibly uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable and awkward as me when he is discussing lady parts.  David has a wonderful girlfriend, and I'm actually pretty excited about going on double dates with my recently acquired boyfriend.

This is George Glass.  He has a really well defined chest, manly swollen hands from a high sodium diet, and genitals that are shaped like a black box.  He's got a great personality, and after seeing the match.com possibilities, I think he will be my only steady relationship for a while.

The move is less than a week away and once I get settled in the video blog will begin.  Please comment below if you have a second, subscribe, and tell a friend.   It's back to packing for me, and by packing, I mean having a snuggle party with George.

Nervous Excitement

With the move just over a week away, reality has set in, and so has the nervous excitement.  I've done a lot of crazy shit in my life, and with each one has come a great feeling of nervous excitement.  I felt it as I left on my 3200 mile bicycle trip across the US, I felt it as I was dropped off on the side of a lake in the middle of Alaska, I felt it when I strapped on a bunch of armor and charged at huge men while holding my lance, and I also felt it when I was jousting.
To me, great adventures come when I step outside of my comfort zone, and I am definitely stepping outside of it with this move.  I have the most amazing family, friends, and clients here, and to leave for the middle of nowhere, where I know all of two people, makes me nervous, but that's what alcohol and xanax are for.
My mom has also begun to feel this nervous excitement, minus the excitement part.  She has met David, and thinks highly of him, but she is well aware of the bat shit crazy stuff we do when we are around each other.  She told me yesterday that she had cut out an article from the newspaper and really thought I should read it prior to the move.

It was about how dangerous it is to fire guns off in the air.  I told her I would only be firing a gun in the air if I was duck hunting or celebrating something really good, like finishing a twelve pack of beer.  I also told her I would wear a helmet when doing so.  I think that put her at ease.  Bless her heart.

I met David when we were filming Full Metal Jousting.  When we first went into the house I was the first person from our team to enter.  I had seen many reality shows that involved shared housing, and was well aware that there would be a few shitty rooms and one nice one.  I moved quickly through the house.  The first room was four beds and a shared bathroom.  The next was a tiny room with two beds and a shared bathroom.  The last room was amazing.  Two beds, a private bathroom, walk-in closet, and a huge window overlooking the lake.  I started walking towards the bed to put my bag down.  Right then David came in and threw his bag down on one of the beds.  Oh hell no.  I am not sharing a room with some crazy tattoo covered marine cage fighter from some small podunk town.  I quickly exited the room.  Now here I am a year later moving to a podunk town with this same individual.  My nervous/excitement ratio just went from 50/50 to 80/20.

Preparing for a move... with ADHD

Today, in preparation for the move, and a month or so of being out of work, I decided to cut some spending in hopes of banking some loot.  I don't have many expenses, so this was proving to be rather difficult.  I suppose tanning is "unnecessary," but I always feel more in shape when I'm darker, and I look better in the bathroom mirror when I have my clothing optional daily dance hour.  I've also heard tanning isn't "healthy," although I'm not entirely sure I buy that.  At any rate, I started looking into alternatives.  I hate self tanners because of the munchkin-like orange hue and are as equally pricey as the tanning bed.  That's when I thought a pair of panty hose under a t-shirt might prevent my arms from having that translucent "twilight" glow.  As I was thinking of ways I could pull this off, I started reminiscing about the good ol' days when panty hose came in eggs.

My mom always got the panty hose in eggs, and I LOVED IT!  This should have been red flag number 613 for my parents.  I used to collect these oversized eggs and make a nest out of blankets, sit on them, and pretend to incubate them. I was always sad growing up because my eggs never hatched.
So all this talk got me thinking of chickens.  My neighbor has chickens, and sometimes I go over and pick some eggs from the hen house.  With exception to the gross fact of knowing the egg you are holding in your hand just exited a chicken's vajayjay and is now covered in feces, it's a rather gratifying experience.  It makes me feel so self-sustaining.  So I decided to go on craigslist and look for chickens for sale in Oregon.  I found several nice ones.  Rhode Island Reds, Black Sexlinks (wink), Leghorns, and more.  I was starting to get excited.  Then I found this ad....

Spring is just around the corner..Breeding Mount - $1500 (Medford)

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Date: 2013-01-14, 3:53PM PST

 

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If you are breeding and doing AI this mount is a must have. I have my stud and no longer need it.
These sell for $3000 new. Purchaser will have to dig the pole out (wink) and haul. Also have the Colorado AV
if wanted but buyer would have to purchase new liner as it hasn't been used for a while. Also have a stock
for examing and AI-ing for $400. Can have all three for $1750.
Picture is a likeness.

This got me even more excited than the chickens!  I've been concerned that there won't be much in the way of dating material in the middle of nowhere, so I think I just solved that problem.  Man, this day is so productive.  I totally forgot what I was talking about, but I'm gonna go take down my Match.com profile.  

Two Weeks Until The Move!

After a recent trip to Oregon (see trip summary video below), it became clear to me that I am not quite ready to head back to the big city.  So instead, I've decided to move out to Southern Oregon with my best friend.  The plan is to get some land off the beaten path and have some fun in the great outdoors.  I will be trading in my cocktails at the club for sitting on a frozen lake attempting to fish out of a hole in the ice.  I will no longer be showing off my sweet dance moves on a crowded sweaty dance floor while everyone stares on in envy, instead I will be showing off my sweet dance moves to woodland creatures.

This will be a major change to say the least.  In preparation I decided to join a dating site and put the new zip code in to see what I have to look forward to.  I received two messages almost instantly.  My reaction to the first one's profile photo was "Wow, what a bold choice of lip stick color" and the second one was "boy, that sitar really makes his turban "pop."  It has become clear to me that I will be investing in a blow-up doll.

My last visit with David involved sledding on fire, taking a metal boat down a river in a blizzard, and taping fireworks to my nipples and lighting them off.  I feel like this move is the best idea ever.  I have a friend that supports my terrible ideas, and better yet, has countless terrible ideas of his own.  Two weeks until the shit show begins!

Sorry for failing on the blog updates.  Turns out it's hard to get internet in the middle of nowhere.  I hope this makes up for it!!!

Utah... Nothing But Wiener

Our time in Utah was brief to say the least.  Temperatures were in the triple digits, and the terrain was nothing but dusty red earth.  We felt like we were driving the Curiosity Rover at numerous points.  We drove through the the entire state with only one stop.  As we drove through Arches National Park we spotted a rock that looked like a gigantic wiener.  Naturally, I insisted we stop to have our photo taken in front of it.  I feel like we really saw everything there was to see in the marvelous state that is Utah in less than two minutes.  After are great time in Utah, we made our way into Colorado.  I have to keep it short today, because we don't have great service, and I'm in a truck stop with wi-fi, and have to run before one of these truckers makes me their bitch.