Sorry for failing on the blog updates.  Turns out it's hard to get internet in the middle of nowhere.  I hope this makes up for it!!!

Utah... Nothing But Wiener

Our time in Utah was brief to say the least.  Temperatures were in the triple digits, and the terrain was nothing but dusty red earth.  We felt like we were driving the Curiosity Rover at numerous points.  We drove through the the entire state with only one stop.  As we drove through Arches National Park we spotted a rock that looked like a gigantic wiener.  Naturally, I insisted we stop to have our photo taken in front of it.  I feel like we really saw everything there was to see in the marvelous state that is Utah in less than two minutes.  After are great time in Utah, we made our way into Colorado.  I have to keep it short today, because we don't have great service, and I'm in a truck stop with wi-fi, and have to run before one of these truckers makes me their bitch.  

Mother Earth's Ass Crack-The Grand Canyon

The Grand Canyon is by far the grandest canyon I have seen in years. With all the major lookout points flooded with tourists taking countless stupid Facebook photos, we opted to make our own trail and head to a spot free of the fanny-pack wearing weirdos to take our own countless stupid Facebook pix.
Sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon, beer in hand, with a great friend and Milton, made for one hell of a day.
David, with his extensive military background, gave me a lesson on an "improvised shower." After several days of being shower-free, our tent smelled like a combination of campfire smoke, farts, and Chapstick, so this proved to be a great thing.
After the sun set, we headed back to camp for some dinner and guitar by the fire. With exception to Milton's explosive traveler's diarrhea (TD), this was a near perfect day. Next stop, Utah.

Blowing Chunks

We've only spent a few days on the road, and already we are dealing with the affects of car sickness.  I'd like to state for the record that I never get sick when I drive, but when David does, it's a different story.  While driving to the Grand Canyon, the combination of my loose, undercooked egg sandwich and winding roads made me start feeling all hot and sweaty... and not in the good "oh I'm so sexy" way, but in the "something is going to be projecting from my body, but not sure which end" kinda way.  Fortunately, for all involved, the demon inside of me opted for the north exit.

David was kind enough to not only stop the car, but to also grab the camcorder.  What a sweetheart!  I vomited like Kate Moss after an all you can eat buffet night at the Olive Garden.  This amused David until the the wind started blowing back into the car.  God, I love karma!  You can watch the video if you really need to feel like you were there.  Heads up... there is adult language.

I've done some research on google for motion sickness, and have bought copper bracelets and dramamine, but nothing seems to really cut it.  I've decided to do most/all of the driving.

Here's a photo of me driving that David took with a flash at night.  He thought killing my vision at 75 mph was funny.  Clearly, by my expression, I did as well!  Hello Christmas card!

And We're Off!

After a bit of a late start, David, Milton, and myself finally began our journey east.  The car was packed with mostly Dave's clothes because he dresses like a diva. I think he may have changed his outfit 5 or 6 times before we left. The weather was great, the sun was shining, and all was well. We had spent the prior evening burning cd's because apparently it's still the 90's.  Our taste for music is somewhat similar, which helps... we both like sad songs that make you cry.  One disc is called sad songs, another, songs to cry to, and a third is a compilation of songs that are ideal to whistle to.  

After 20 minutes on the road, the flat tire light came on, so naturally, I turned the music up.  Problem solved.  Things continued going smoothly until we hit our first storm.  I was focusing on not dying, while David focused on filming lightning bolts.  Shortly after making it through the storm, David wanted to show me some new dance moves.  I turned to look at him, and a moment later he yelled "look out!"  I looked back at the road to see a large deer carcass coming directly for me.  I ran the shit over it.  

We finally reached Flagstaff and met up with my friends Sarah and Marcie.  We had dinner in town and then drove to our campsite.  The gas light came on about halfway up the mountain.  We were following my friend's car when mother nature came a calling.  I had to pee like a race horse.  I tried to call Sarah on her cell, but there was no service.  I looked for a bottle or a cup... nothing.  For future reference, I'd strongly suggest not peeing out of a vehicle moving at high speeds.  I stood up in my seat (I wasn't driving.  I'm not that stupid) and really just let loose.  I got about halfway through before oncoming traffic approached.  I had to pinch it off mid-pee, and in the chaos of it all managed to thoroughly wash the right side of my vehicle as well as our luggage in the back seat.  It turns out Milton isn't into golden showers.  

We made camp, and Dave began work on the campfire.  Since it had just rained like a mother father, this task was quite challenging to say the least.  I collected a few sticks, but got bored and focused my energy on beer drinking, while Dave patiently got the fire blazing.  Later we both made our first attempt at slacklining.  For those of you who aren't aware of what slacklining is, it's basically tight rope walking.  With my skills as a dancer/gymnist, you would have thought I grew up doing this.  Dave, on the other hand was a sight to see.  Watching David attempt this was like watching a car wreck... or Kirstie Alley on Dancing With The Stars.  

We're off for the Grand Canyon today.  Also, after 24 hours on the road, we are already dirty as hell, so we have decided to do an instructional video on how to shower when you don't have access to a shower.  You're welcome in advance!

Two days to go!

I've been packing for days now.  I'm really over it.  I decided to get rid of my furniture a bit prematurely, so here I am, several days before my trip cross country, laying in my sleeping bag in the middle of my empty apartment sweating my satchel off.  I'd get out of my sleeping bag, but my curtains are gone and I'm in the nude (wink), and my neighbors tend to complain about that.  They complained last year about my nude P90X routine I would do.  I told them I couldn't do it in my bedroom because I didn't have a tv in there.  I felt like I should have invoiced them.  Ungrateful neighbors.

I've wrapped up my work at the barn and am now looking forward to hitting the road.  My friend David was kind enough to help me make the 3000 mile drive from LA to DC.  For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting David, I'll give you a brief introduction.

I met David while filming Full Metal Jousting last year.  He was in my training boot camp... the week before the final 16 competitors were picked.  There were 10 of us, and we weren't allowed to converse with the other potential cast members.  Most of us tried to talk when we could.  Not David.  He just was silent... and scary looking.  The very first time he spoke was when I was waiting to use the restroom, and he was exiting.  He used a paper towel to open the door handle.  He looked at me and said "Door knobs have germs" and walked away.  I started laughing because it reminded me of something Ralphy from the Simpsons would say... "My cat's breath smells like cat food."

David has that look that just screams "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep."  I was a little leery of him at first, but as the days went by, we became quite the odd duo.  We had a great time during the filming, and I even learned what a "blood choke" was... numerous times.  For those of you who aren't trained cage fighters, this is a choke hold that restricts the blood flow to the brain, causing you to black out.  David was nice enough to try this one on me five times.  Everyone was yelling "tap-out, tap-out!"  I had no idea what tap-out meant.  I started moving my feet around thinking "sidestep, sidestep, kick ball change."  Once again I saw stars.

Over the past year, David and I have hung out in both of our towns.  David, in West Hollywood, was sort of like playing Where's Waldo the special needs version.  You could spot him a mile away.  Likewise, while in rural Oregon, I stood out equally as much, and that was without my skinny jeans and tank top (I really butched it up with loose trousers and large flannel shirts).

Despite our many differences, when the two of us hang out, it is a crazy, out of control shit show.  So in a few days, we will hit the road.  We will be driving in my tiny convertible with all the stuff I need for the next two months, my guitar, my dog, and camping gear.  We plan to document the whole thing with video cameras... the good, the bad, the ugly.  So you're welcome in advance.  We'll keep this blog updated whenever we have internet access.